Color-coding Grief

I'm a big proponent of always moving forward and doing our best to help people. I support the fight for cancer, finding a stop to the spread of HIV, and creating an environment to which suicide doesn't seem a viable option. I believe that the groups that work towards this action are a noble and positive venture. What I don't honestly understand is this strange concept of adding color to causes. Yellow for the Armstrong foundation, Red for Aids Awareness, Pink for breast cancer, and now purple for stopping suicide caused by bullying and hate. This may seem an odd question, but why do we need to color code things that quite frankly are truly devastating and necessary to fight??? Are we as a people so inept that we are unable to follow these groups and actions without a carefully laid out mapping system devised in awareness months and going off the roy. g biv rainbow???

I'm not trying to be negative, I'm merely asking why it seems to me that causes work much like fashion, moving in and out of seasons. This seems like nothing more than a way to create administration costs rather than actually raising funds to help combat the fights. Would it not be better, if everyone simply put forth the effort to help their fellow man as best as they could???

Take a U-Turn

It's been quite some time since I've posted here, not something that I'm overly proud of. I have many reasons for this, none good mind you, but it's the obvious fact that I've been in a not so healthy place right now. Leaving one of the only places I felt genuinely happy, and now trying to readjust to my new environment. All in all I think I've handled the situation as best as I could, but recently, after some rather long and overdue contemplation, I'm beginning to wonder where I'm going? Why am I here? All very existential and selfish, but necessary thoughts. I don't honestly know if I have any answer, but I have inclinations and dreams that I wish to follow. The greatest is getting back to NYC and being in a place where I adequately feel secure and happy.

Now onto the matter at hand. No Profit at the Non-for-Profit started out as nothing more than a form of therapy so that I might be able to cope with living in a rather mundane and somewhat misdirection-al life goal I now realize I need to use this blog in a more constructive matter.

My concepts of a non-for-profit have slowly been evolving as I've been living in extremely frugal and banal means. What I've come to realize is that Life in itself should be treated as a non-for-profit. I'm not saying that I'm going to go all Walden and abandon my principles of society since as we all know Thoreau is nothing more than a pandering jackass who did nothing more than trying to found the first suburbs. Rather, it's time that I start addressing things that I feel need to be addressed. Politics, Social Change, LGBT issues, Government control, Economics. Things that I feel are very important to be discussed. Things that I feel I can offer insight into, if only people give the chance to hear me out.

So here it goes. No Profit at the Non-For-Profit now a blog about life in general. Following the principle that life is not a means into seeking wealth but personal fulfillment towards bettering that what we know and what we do.

The problem with TABOO

We've all be raised to believe that we are endowed with certain inalienable rights, this of course after years of watching is nothing but a lie however. The only right we honestly have is the right to due process in order to facilitate our own agendas. This may come off as a strange way to start off, but I feel it's important that it be stated that this country was originally based on the principle of free speech. Yet over the years after communist red herrings, loyalty oaths, political correctness we've found ourselves in a state of affairs where it is now possible to simply ban a word from conversation in the hopes of providing relief to those who take offense to it.

Two things that bother me about such an action. Words are words. We were all taught the same adage by our mothers, and never have I realized that she is more right. Words can't hurt you, unless you the individual give them cause to. We as a species created language. As such we have power over this substance through which we are able to communicate and damn. This is not to say that there aren't powerful emotions that can be associated with words, but the point I'm trying to make is that, by allowing ourselves to become so emotionally tied to a concept we allow it to govern us. Words are not the masters of our fate, but rather the method and vessel through which we are able to present our fates. By giving power to our own machination, we are doing nothing more than creating a form of self depreciation since we cannot adequately control the product of our own misuse.

The second problem that I see with this concept of taboo is the fact that nothing is ever solved by this. There is no steps toward making amends or understanding. The word is forbidden and therefore discussion can never be taken seriously because too many people deem this unfit for conversation. As a country that was supposed to be built on the principle of free speech this idea of creating a taboo system with our own vernacular is not only disgusting but completely unconstitutional. If we are not allowed to openly discuss and further understand, then steps can never be made to actually heal the wounds. This goes for the case of race issues, sexuality, mental disability. In almost any case there are numerous colorful metaphors to be very basic in their description on how to announce someone's identity. And while I personally won't lie that these words do carry a certain mix bag of emotions, I don't believe that completely closing off the use of them is an acceptable option.

We need to pride ourselves on the desire to be open and willing to discuss, rather than being so quick to dismiss and harbor unwarranted and unhealthy emotional ties to words.

Such a long reprieve

It's been quite a while since I've made any attempt at writing a blog post that I felt it necessary to prove that I was still able to do it. Even now, after I've been staring at this empty space for the better part of half an hour, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm the "blogging" type. Regardless of that though, I've made a commitment to myself in some bizarre fashion that I must adhere to.

As such, recently with my sudden change of address and future plans, I've decided to take this little project of mine and alter it's content and purpose to somewhat suit my new state of mind. I've wanted to take this concept past just the form of blogging and possibly stretch it out into the world of a podcast for several reasons. The main of course being the fact that while I'm "trapped" here I need some form of outlet to release my creative mind.

I've begun taking steps towards advancing myself as a writer, rather than just garnishing aspirations and dreams in the back of mind. I'm currently working on a short story that I hope to have published by the years end, as well as work on a play that I might actually try and get performed, provided my family never sees it.

I do apologize for such a long reprieve, I've been trying to get myself into order, but that's proven to be harder and harder. Hopefully things change quickly, and I can begin with something stupendous to put my name to.

Recreating my Work: Redefining the Non-for-Profit

In the next few days, weeks, whatever, to come. I will be changing the concept of No Profit at the Non-for-Profit. Rethinking it's meaning and purpose. I want to start a podcast soon with this title that strings into the blog. But before I can do that, I need to know exactly what it is that I will be focusing on. Any ideas or general interests would be greatly appreciated if you wish to share.

Lets be civil with Civil Unions

I'm always coming out against Gay Marriage, for the obvious reason that what we are fighting for is, to be frank. Pointless. Marriage is nothing more a religious term, and in a personal opinion, it should never have taken on a political role at all. This country was built on, or at least it was constructed on the ideal of separation of church and state. As American, I actively believe in this ideal for the obvious reason, that when you have such a multitude of cultures and ideals mixing together you can't let the religions be the forefront of creation of laws and policies. This is not to say that religion has no place in government. Beliefs are powerful tools though, often used by the wrong powers for wrong deeds. The ideas of religion however, the striving to be better, creating a stable and reliable community, commandments about virtuosity, these ideas that seem to be at the base of all religions are what we should be using.

At the beginning I said I come out against gay marriage, and to be frank. I do. I believe that marriage is nothing but a principle created by Religions. This is not to say that it is not a good thing. But honestly, this is a fight that we can't win legitimately. We're forcing our own beliefs on another religion. Something that humanity seems bent on doing no matter what the costs. It is not the Churchs that we should be fighting, which is exactly what we are. Rather we need to fight for a change in what the government is doing. Civil Unions, same rights as a married couple,

To be honest, what we are fighting right now is not a fight for rights, but rather a linguistic battle with a group that is so set in their ways that trying to alter their vernacular now is something that we can't win. It's very much like the grandparent who still rattles off with racist colloquialisms, but we all smile and nod, because they are set in their ways and we understand that we can't change them.

Taking a Turn, for Better or Worse

I've been contemplating about my blog as a whole. No Profit at the Non-for-Profit. To be honest, the title was possibly one of the greatest feats of creative thinking I've had in regards to giving something substance. For over six months, this was my way of tackling grievances and complications in my life. It served that purpose greatly. Recently though, I've found that writing about those things in my current environment are no longer as therapeutic as they once were. For a while I considered just dropping the blog all together, since I'm not currently working at any non-for-profit. Yet, reading the header made me realize that this is still a manner to which could be useful.

I've been going on on how much I was pleased with my public transport posting. Mainly because it was one of the few posts that wasn't about me directly, but rather a grievance I have that because of this, many people are affected. So with much thinking, I've decided to keep this blog going in that respect. Speaking more of ideals, rather than of me personally. My self-imposed narcism through this blog has reached it's conclusion. Granted it's also due to the lack of vodka, gin, whiskey, and any other creative juice that I was usually afflicted with while I wrote this blog about myself.

Starting today, this blog will no longer be directly about me, but rather about about where I think things went wrong, where things need improvement, and how bad ideas stay bad.

As a last update on my current narcissistic gamble, I've started work on a story, that I have no idea where it will go, but I foresee a lot of potential with this body of work, as such most of my creative juices will be channeled there, while my more expository and logical thinking will go towards this blog. Wish me luck in whichever way you choose, but to be honest, I would love a bottle of emergency gin to hide in my closet.

Distancing Myself

I've come to a rather hasty, albeit as far as I can tell, necessary conclusion about myself. I pine for things, a lot of things. Most of which are sadly out of my grasp at the moment. Wanting to go back to NYC, wishing I wasn't at home, but most of all, to be frank. It's hard to look at your facebook page, notice you've been invited to roughly 12 different events, and then realize that you can't go to or do any of them due to geographic constraints. What makes it so hard being home is that, no matter what, geography is still a pertinent issue, as I don't really remember how to drive, nor do I like to.

As such I've found it necessary to distance myself from this oppressive reality that I seem to have fallen into to. I'm sure this sounds like a lot of griping and pointless whining. Do not be fooled, it is. Right now, where I am in my life, I can't keep looking back and regretting what I no longer have. I can't just take a quick gander, cause all I realize is that, right now, right now where I am, I'm not very happy.

In response to this feeling I've decided to stop using major forms of social networking. Mainly my facebook page. I find that trying to continue on with facebook at the moment is a rather unhealthy method of tethering me to the past. Rather than trying to grow and expound on myself as a person and writer. To this effect in exactly one week I will be shutting off my facebook page in an effort to help alleviate this longing and rather distressing feeling of regret. If you need to get in contact with me, I will have aim, twitter, as well as my blog or email. I ask that you if you wish to keep in contact you use the previously listed contact methods in order to keep in touch. Otherwise, I don't want to say goodbye, but in some ways, that is what this is.

Farewell to the void that is the internet. That swirling mass of knowledge and mayhem that has not served me so well in the past two weeks.

Sincerely
Minimum Wage Cavalier (No wage at the current moment though)

Wrong Turn At Albuquerque

These last few weeks from my last posting have been, lets say, the most depressing and draining weeks of my life thus far. This even beats the high school years out the window. Currently I'm back home in west Texas dealing with a lot of unresolved issues. Most of which I now realize will never be solved, and I should just learn to keep quiet and move on. I had high hopes for this trip being short, sweet and simple. Get in, get out, and get back to my life. Sadly, sometimes, what should be, and what happens, aren't always the same.

Sad to say, NYC will be nothing more than a lingering memory, as due to lack of funds, and a lot of complicated issues that frankly I can't involved in such a public forum, I'll be staying at home for an extended period of time, that no matter how I look at it, is already FAR too long.

It's hard admitting that something that was so monumental to me, is not out of my grasp. Just when you finally feel at home, when you feel that life is finally starting to let up, the worst happens.

I'm doing my best to be less whiney, since a dear friend told me, my last posting was by far my best. I won't lie, the clarity and fortitude behind that writing is something that I aspire to do all the time. Sadly this blog isn't just about getting my voice out. This medium has been my form of therapy for a while now. Considering I don't have healthcare to afford sessions or medication. So naturally I have to do something in order to alleviate my stress, anxiety, and overall annoyance with my current situation.

NYC is not out of my view however, be sure of that. Regardless of what is happening now. The only place I'm moving to after this is back to NYC where I belong. Two days ago, i went for a drive with my parents, and some young punk in a mustang cut us off. I leaned my head out the window and started swearing and calling him all sorts of obscenities. Most of which my mother had never heard of. Felt good to bring a bit of East Coast to this South-western desert. This has never been home to me sadly. Sometimes it's hard to look at your parents and let them know that there are times, when it's easier to say you love being here. Truth is? I don't. But I'm strong enough, I hope, to make it through.

Shifting into America's Destruction

Personal Transportation.

This is a major topic that I like to discuss openly with anyone, via public forum, or those nights where I stumble to the bar. I feel, and this is my personal view that public transportation is honestly one of the greatest mistakes that America choose. By abandoning the concept of public and socialized transport, by having this notion that everyone should own their own car, honestly as a society I think we went backwards rather than forwards.

Many people tell me that having their own car is convenient, allows them to not rely on useless and often unreliable public transit. And I agree with that sentiment. It is nice not having to rely on something or someone in order to go out and take control of your own life. However, how inconvenient is waiting five minutes for an express to downtown, or catching the local at night, just cause you know they stop at the stop only one block from your apartment rather than ten.

Having spent some time in areas where public transit is actually convenient and reliable, it's hard to go to an area where everyone is expected to have their own car. Where not having your own car is an actual manner to which people find themselves unable to survive legitimately. Yet, in these trying times, what good does having a useless public transit system do anyone any good?

Personal transport is nothing more than a bourgeoisie notion of creating class distinctions. Luxury models, family sedans, junkers, walkers, bikers. We believe in the idea that all men are created equal, and this is the land of opportunity, yet, if one isn't able to afford a steel frame and rubber wheels, then all you get to do is watch the freedom and future go by while you wait for the two fifteen which is already twenty minutes late...

When we as a country decided to let the trains be stopped, when we let the buses go to shit, the subways be filled. We as a society moved backwards, since we needed the freedom of our own gas guzzling road hazard.

Reservations

Recently with events in my family as they are, I've decided to take some time away from the CITY and head home in order to help stabilize and facilitate the craziness that is my family. Not something I'm overly fond of doing, but something that I need to do.

I've always felt estranged from my family, no matter what I said, what I did, I never quite fit in with them. They always seemed to view me as some sort of odd ball amongst their rather diverse and shall we say, equally as psychotic as myself, but on such a different spectrum, when I see blue, all they see is red. As a result, I haven't been home in what I would like to say has been close to almost two years now. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time, as this, is kind of a chance for me to reconnect with people that I haven't had much of a connection with in. Sad to say i can't even recall the last time I did have a connection with them.

This sadly comes at a rather awkward time for me though, as I've felt that I was finally becoming a true New Yorker, I'm poor, I'm hungry, and when it comes down to it, I'll make rent and my weekly bar special before I give that loans another thought. So my business practice might not be what I call THE BEST. But honestly, from what I've heard from everyone, we're talking about the most blood sucking sadistic bastards ever. On all those stupid debt commercials, no one ever hears about how the poor college kid is working three jobs to just make rent and groceries. Or how the mother of four with no father had to send the last vestiges of her paycheck to make sure that her kids have a place to sleep, but is so scared to answer the phone she unplugs it.

I have so many reservations right now, about my credit, about my trip, about coming back to this city, FULLY realizing that I'll go right back to maybe one meal a week, or none at all. Where I stand in line at the Duane Reade, buying a chocolate bar just so that I have the energy to walk about looking for better paying jobs. This is the life I wanted, who knows, maybe things turn around, maybe they don't. In either case, this trip I think will do me some good. Sure I'll probably be writing how the oppressive heat, nagging parents, and constant bickering of trying to relate to a demographic I no longer identify with is all driving me up the wall.

But, lets be honest, since when I have ever not been bitching about something anyway.

Keeping Hope: When It's All You Have

Well, I'm just a couple of days away from reaching what will have been an official month in NYC. Things are hard, that is for sure. I'm down to my last vestiges of what I'd like to call funds, and am going to have to call in some favors from the family. I am none too pleased with having this conversation since they made it pretty clear that they did not appreciate nor validate this decision of mine. Sometimes, when I'm up late at night unable to sleep, I wonder if they are right. But, thankfully, those are passing thoughts that never linger for very long. I've learned over the years to just move past my preconceived notions. Things are hard, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy here.

On a positive note, my feet no longer ache or complain from all the walking that I do. I'm thinking of heading into the city tomorrow and just kind of losing myself like when I first came here. Haven't done that in a while, and I just kind of feel the need to just get on the Metro and head to who knows where. It's one of those great places that you can kind of just move about and totally immerse yourself in something new or different. Thinking about Bryant Park perhaps.

Sad to say that I was unable to actually complete anything for this writing competition that someone told me about sadly. It seemed right up my alley, and the sad sad fact was, that I was just unable to actually produce anything that I was personally happy with. I started about six different stories, but nothing felt appropriate for the moment. As strange as that sounds to some. When I write, I get these kind of prescient glances of what the story will be, but sometimes sadly, my mind can't actually reach what my imagination has envisioned. I get frustrated, and I kind of let it sit on the back burner and percolate for god knows how long before I just inevitably forget about it, and much like the coffee I would make as a child, it'd burn.

This is not to say that I don't feel inspired here, but when it comes to contests, I do sadly get very competitive, and will refuse to submit anything that doesn't reach my standards. Which can be overtly high when they don't need to be. Well that's life.

I worry how things are going to turn out. But, really, what's the point of that? I'm not the first to make this venture, I'm not the last. But I can say, just cause I know, don't ask me to say how. I'm meant to be here.

Same Shit, Different Place

3 weeks now, been in the city for 3 weeks, and what can I say other than, it feels a hell of a lot longer than that. Time seems to have an odd way of working in this city. Some days feel like they are only hours long, others feel that they actually take more than one day to finish. I'm getting to the point that if I didn't have my cell phone I wouldn't know what day of the week it actually is. Thankfully though, I'm somewhat aware of my surroundings enough to know that as of right now, things are, stable is the word we're going to use.

In a way they feel very akin to how things were in Rochester, I'm still concerned about money, but I always am. I'm getting unnecessary calls from the loans, saying I need to make payments, but I already did, I'm covered for a good amount of time actually. And from details that my parents give me, my grandfather was recently hospitalized. The latter of that list is really the only thing that's been on my mind lately to be honest.

My grandfather is a great man, who I dearly respect and love. He is one of the few people who believed that I should actually pursue a career in writing. Stating that it must be in the blood, since he himself was a writer in his teen years. Actually this is a great story. My grandfather worked for the local fishwrap of Juarez when he was just 18 years old, my mother has his old typewriter that he used. On one assignment he wrote about the Mexican Cartels and as a result, was supposed to be executed. His mother immediately sought asylum for him and my grandmother in America, provided he would share the data that he had uncovered. As a result, both my grandparents were offered American citizenship, and a short while after that, my mother was born. Writing is in my blood.

Yet, with his recent hospitalization, the pressing fact that I'm so poor at the moment that I can't go and see him, I did a rather morbid thing the other night. I wrote him a good bye letter. Something that in my family is considered a huge mistake. I know he's going to be fine, cause after dealing with that family for over fifty years, there is no way that he's going to be taken down so easily. However, the idea of not being able to say good bye to his face, has weighed heavy on my mind for the past few days. I thought about just packing up and going to see him. But, somehow I know he would be disappointed to know that I stopped my life just for him. This post goes out to my grandfather. A great and beloved man who I know will be better in no time.

I've thankfully avoided disaster once again, but selling a few of my old video games for cash, i went from having ten dollars to my name to having sixty. Just goes to show you that good things can happen afterall.

The Truth of Scripture

So, recently since my moving to the City, many people, new and old have been asking me about my tattoos. Long, and I think beautiful script depicting two rather at times odd, but very poignant quotes about how I wish to live my life. As odd as it may seem. In my earlier years I had a rather bad account of cutting myself on the thighs, so that no one would ever see. I still have the scars to this day. So why on my arms? During my more troubling years I started to have desires of cutting my forearms. And one rather auspicious day, I cut myself from my elbow to my wrist on my right arm. Claiming that i must have scratched myself during my sleep.

Sad but true. Then, the person who mattered the most to me at the time, took me aside, and slapped me across the face. He told me that if I needed to do crazy things, then I needed to think long and hard about my consequences, who else is affected when I do something like this, who else suffers, when I make awful decisions that make those around me cry and feel like they don't mean anything at all.

So, after I sadly had to leave that person behind, I moved back to Rochester, and on my birthday, I got the first of my two tattoos.

"A man's errors are his portals of discovery." James Joyce.

Well, with the first one forever inscribed into my skin, I looked longingly at the other arm, wondering if I didn't have the same insurance on me, would I make a mistake? Would I slip up again. Not wanting to be uneven, and for fear of not being strong enough. I went four days later and got my second one.

"A man can be destroyed but not defeated." Ernest Hemingway.

So that's the story of why I'm ink'ed on my forearms. While it's true that I always wanted these, sometimes it's a hard reminder looking at them in the morning realizing why I had gotten them in the first place. Regardless of that though, these quotes, these trails of ink that so eloquently describe me, are my treasures, ones that will follow me to the end of time.

Networking, it's what you need to do

I've never been the most OUTgoing of individuals sadly. I have my moments when I can open up and be much more agreeable towards people. But I'd be the last person to say that I'm an extroverted individual. Sadly, that's gonna get you nowhere in the CITY. One has to learn to drop these preconceived notions of fear and uncertainty and move on with life. As such I've met some rather interesting and fun people by being more agreeable and warming to them on first impression.

As such I met a rather interesting group of loud and crass actors that I won't lie, I REALLY get along with. Normally me and actors have had a, lets call it strained life, since normally we are all a bit too out there for each other. But to be honest, this group and me do quite well together. We laugh, we joke, we get injured, we drink, there isn't about a comment from any of us that couldn't be considered a sin in some demographic, yet that's kind of what makes life fun isn't it :D.

I'm still looking for a full time employment. One of my new friends feels that I should bartend. Something that many of you know, I REALLY REALLY love to do. However, like anything, bartending is rather difficult in times of hardships, since many people will flock to it, thinking it's an easy way to make a buck. I won't lie that the money is good, but seriously, it does take a certain individual to bartend. The most important fact being, that you are not there to be a buddy buddy with all your friends when they come into the bar. Yes, if they come out to support you, that's fantastic. HOWEVER, your point is to serve people drinks. If you couldn't tell, I went into a small local bar, and was quite displeased when this rabble of blond bimbos in heels came in screaming like a punch of idiots. Me and the other patrons grew quite, i say QUITE livid at this. So, while she was busy serving her friends only and forgetting the rest of us, I simply walked behind the bar and served myself and the three others in the small run down dive.

To say that this girl was angry would be an understatement. She came at me as if I had just walked in on her naked. I simply looked at her and smiled, as I finished pouring the drinks, and told her, that if she wanted to hang with her friends, to go ahead, but right now I wanted service, so I treated this like the self serve checkout at Wal-Mart, where she had obviously bought that blouse. Needless to say I was asked to leave, and the other patrons and I went to a better bar that I have been frequenting and enjoyed some cheap drinks, courtesy of the bartender who said,and I quote "that bitch got problems, I'm surprised you guys ain't sober."

All in all, times have been good.