Reservations

Recently with events in my family as they are, I've decided to take some time away from the CITY and head home in order to help stabilize and facilitate the craziness that is my family. Not something I'm overly fond of doing, but something that I need to do.

I've always felt estranged from my family, no matter what I said, what I did, I never quite fit in with them. They always seemed to view me as some sort of odd ball amongst their rather diverse and shall we say, equally as psychotic as myself, but on such a different spectrum, when I see blue, all they see is red. As a result, I haven't been home in what I would like to say has been close to almost two years now. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time, as this, is kind of a chance for me to reconnect with people that I haven't had much of a connection with in. Sad to say i can't even recall the last time I did have a connection with them.

This sadly comes at a rather awkward time for me though, as I've felt that I was finally becoming a true New Yorker, I'm poor, I'm hungry, and when it comes down to it, I'll make rent and my weekly bar special before I give that loans another thought. So my business practice might not be what I call THE BEST. But honestly, from what I've heard from everyone, we're talking about the most blood sucking sadistic bastards ever. On all those stupid debt commercials, no one ever hears about how the poor college kid is working three jobs to just make rent and groceries. Or how the mother of four with no father had to send the last vestiges of her paycheck to make sure that her kids have a place to sleep, but is so scared to answer the phone she unplugs it.

I have so many reservations right now, about my credit, about my trip, about coming back to this city, FULLY realizing that I'll go right back to maybe one meal a week, or none at all. Where I stand in line at the Duane Reade, buying a chocolate bar just so that I have the energy to walk about looking for better paying jobs. This is the life I wanted, who knows, maybe things turn around, maybe they don't. In either case, this trip I think will do me some good. Sure I'll probably be writing how the oppressive heat, nagging parents, and constant bickering of trying to relate to a demographic I no longer identify with is all driving me up the wall.

But, lets be honest, since when I have ever not been bitching about something anyway.