Tonight is my last night in my current location. And while I should be so excited about my new venture. Tonight all I can seem to do is look back and wonder. Who the hell am I doing this for? On the walk home tonight, I began to wonder who, the fuck is actually in control of my life? Since recently I've been wondering if I'm actually doing this for myself.
A good friend of mine makes me believe it is, but am i really? Granted all night I'm pushing for someone to go for him that has no chance cause he has no interest, but that's not important, cause when I look back, all I can think of is, what the hell am I doing??? Sure I want to do this, but really am I doing it cause I want to?
Then it dawns on me. What the fuck? Does it matter? Sure, I've been through hell and back. I've been through a life of what most would call pain and suffering mixed with a vodka tonic and espresso, but who the hell gives a flying fuck. Right now I've known for a long while that I can't just sit back and let the world be on it's own, I actually have to take the chance and take the plunge.
Tonight what I saw in myself was someone concerned that a friend had a chance at something special. Granted he didn't think so, but who the fuck cares, he had something even if only for a moment. Then it dawned on me. I'm kind of just a passing thought. Yes I'm witty and clever, but when it comes right down to things, the one thing that I've noticed over the years is that people seem to easily pass over, and forget me. I'm not what one would call memorable, because I'm not sure I actually want to be. As a result, my life seems to play out with me, as more of a backup dancer, rather than an actual participant. So why then am I still leaving, even though, honestly this really isn't my idea?
Cause, fuck whoever thinks I can't succeed, or that I can't progress. Regardless of what I seem to see or do, I'm going to be a great writer, a great person. Yes, I might be crass, yes I might be a jerk, and yes, I might say things, that make people feel inferior. But honestly, do I give a fuck? NO! I'm me, because I grew up with such a mental image that people need to shut the fuck up and deal. Yeah, I'm a jackass, you don't like it? Then fuck off and move on.
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lol chris, this is TOTALLY your idea. how many times have i heard you say that you're going to move to new york someday? maybe it wasn't your idea to do it RIGHT NOW, but let me tell you, nobody would suggest that i move to new york city!
ReplyDeletethe way you talk about how people see you reminds me of the way i felt in southern california, i felt like there was something wrong with me that i was either invisible or being backstabbed, but no, it was just that i was in the wrong place and couldn't find the right people. maybe you're not in the right place, and it's just time to go home, the home you haven't found yet.
keep in touch! you matter to me!