Emotional Junction: Learning to Take a Transfer

Last night, one of my better friends, best friend to be honest, commented on how my posts had been a bit "melancholy." So I've decided to focus on something other than blue thoughts, and move right onto the next one. Fear. ONE WEEK AND I"M ANOTHER YEAR OLDER. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Eh! whatever. Another year is another year.

This year I've actually planned on hosting a dinner party to celebrate my birthday, I figure actually giving a rats ass about it, might make me more jovial and upbeat about the way things are. If not, then I'll just be further into the hole, and probably watch myself grow quickly inebriated and fall down :D. I've invited a small gathering of people who for one, I think will actually show up, and two, who I'd like to see. One of them being my ex, but honestly I couldn't type the conflicting emotional baggage that is. But me trying to be the better person, and remain friends, has forced me to invite him/ I wanted to see him. The night has two options, a nice quiet evening where things are fine, or a yelling frenzy, in which case it might feel more like home.

I'm at a crossroads right now, not just in emotion, but also in housing. That same friend who said I was being a whiny doleful git has also offered me a free ride down to the CITY. And damned if I'm actually not trying to see if I could do it. New York, it's kind of the place for me. It's big, I can get lost so easily, but it's filled with possibility and adventure. I haven't made any legitimate plans at the moment, but I am seriously contemplating this action. It's hard to imagine somedays, if only cause, this could probably be the most daring escapade that I've even thought of undertaking.

Even while I sit here, the main reason it's so hard to not want to do it. Shit like that, just fleeing with no money, no hope, but just the damn dream that you can. That's what novels are made of. That's what real writers dream of everyday. So what does that make me?

Reflections of no sound

Tonight, I went out. SHOCKER, I know.

I find that going out alleviates the pain of working for a shoe shine boys salary with the stress levels of a neurosurgeon. Tonight, however, I made use of ear plugs. What does this have to do with anything you might be wondering? Everything to be honest. Tonight I saw the nightlife of my current location, and all I saw was this twisting, turning, screaming body of vapid thought and conscious. At the end of the night, all I could feel were my eyelids growing heavier and heavier.

The problem with being me, as I've been trying desperately to dissect and analyze where things might have gone wrong. Hypothesis being breaching the birth canal. All I can say is that I don't fit into this city. I'm kind of an awkward fixture that just happens to amuse and alleviate the pressure of certain other individuals while I remain here, but I don't feel like I belong here. I don't actually relate to anyone. True I have my friends, whom I value and cherish, cause at the moment, aside from being able to drown my thought processes with vodka and gin, they are truly the only saving grace to which I attribute my sanity to. My current situation is that of desperation.

I don't think I can survive here much longer. As much as I need to stay, I wonder if I can actually do so. Truth be told, there is a lot of hurt and pain here. And while many might think that I have this strong and willful personality, at the end of the day, I cry myself to sleep more than I care to mention, and I definitely know for a fact that I'm a problem that cannot solve itself. Had I an insurance plan, I can assure you, I'd be heavily medicated, taking my prozac with a vodka martini just to be on the safe side.

Representing Taxation

My issues with taxes are few and far between. I agree that as a privilege to live in a country one must pay reparations towards that nation. Granted, I wish that I had a greater say in what my money was spent on. At the end of every stupid tax form, should be a box that allows you to allocate the percentage usage of the taxes that you've been paying. Some might say that, this is done, through the use of litigation and political action by government officials. Well pardon my language, but what a load of bollocks.

I have no complaints about being taxed, but the brackets and procedures honestly mean nothing to me, since I can't get married, I don't want children, and I'm not rich. That however doesn't mean I don't want to take money away from schools and community development. I just want to be single in a nice neighborhood. Not single in the neighborhood with the crack-whore in one house, and the village drunk in the other. I've already got the drunk part covered. Deductions, tax breaks. Seriously, you can tell me how you have children and blah blah blah blah, and what not. It's a choice. That child should get the tax break, and it should be on a debit card with extreme restrictions on use. That means despite having the money you have to pay for rent, utilities, diapers, formula, and what not, and forgo that new knock off Gucci purse that goes with whatever Lane Bryant mistake you wanted to pair with it.

Political power delegating distribution of funds is also not usually something someone with no money wants to see. For the main fact that, as a poor individual, I can guarantee that I will never see that money come back to me in any form. Sure you could argue that in due time things will turn around and what not. But honestly, why would you believe that? The rich take political seats in order to keep themselves in power, while the rest of us have to linger. I almost want to join a tea party so that I can say how I am not being represented. Where is the gay friendly single white male gunning for government with barely enough money to cover his rent, food and alcohol budgets. Obviously I have but one choice.

So who's gonna support me for office? If not, who's gonna at least have a drink with me.

Just some after thoughts on all that tax time.

Should I stay or should I go now????

My current state of living could be equated to a coma patient. It's currently in debate as to whether or not I'm actually coherent of my surroundings, and at times I wonder of how much I actually want to be. This current post industrial nightmare of a town is honestly only bearable, due in part to, three months of some of the most glorious and beautiful weather, and a super market that is by far a better time than just wasting your time at the mall. Yes, the malls are just that horrid that I'd rather peruse the fresh vegetables rather than have to bear witness to another hour at a JC Penny's sales rack.

This all came about with the sudden realization that things in my life are slowly coming to a close. This old rather barren and seemingly distracted existence is slowly coming to a close, and personally I'm not quite sure how I feel about it yet. Of course I welcome change, and the prospects that come with it. But, recently, I'm ashamed to say, I've found that my bravery and drive for the unknown has become extremely muddled. So far in fact that recently the most bold and daring thing I did was cut my hair shorter. Don't get me wrong on that however, the cut was amazing.

When we grow up, we're told that after college a world of exciting and fabulous times await. From what I've seen however, all that I've gotten is a rather steadily increasing amount of debt, low self image, and the desire to do nothing more than sleep at least two hours after I set my alarm for. That which I always thought would be has been, shall we say short lived.

Last night I had a dream that I was on a train to the city. I had sold all my possessions, had money, clothes, my computer and this idea that I wouldn't need anymore than that. Problem I find with this, was the sudden realization that when I woke up, I actually had pulled out my suitcase and started packing. With the amtrak site still pulled up on my computer. Subconsciously I know what I want. But realistically and fiscally I know I can't. I pine for the times as children, when we wanted something, we just did it.

Not so recent developments

Last week was rather hectic. For those of you who were aware, I was attempting to give up alcohol for 30 days. Only to fall rather quickly based on the fact that after a week and a half the stress of taxes, payments, and a code blue being called in at work, the only thing I can honestly say is that after all that bullshit I had to open one of the many bottles of wine on the shelf. I came to the realization that currently, my life is a bit too chaotic and crazy to not allow me the small luxury of being able to dull the pain down just a tiny bit. Call this problematic if you want, but honestly, right now, I deserve a vodka tonic when I get home.

A couple of weeks ago, I went out with my ex on a lunch date, we had a nice conversation, and it was rather mundane. I'm rather pleased to say, that while I miss what we had, I'm slowly beginning to miss him less and less. I hated saying that for the first couple of weeks, cause it made me feel like such a vagrant who only misses the connection rather than the person. But as many of my friends have said before, that's okay so long as you're able to deal. Relationships have a tendency to linger long past the person they were involved with. Rather than wanting them back, you just want that connection again.

I've started riding my bike again as well. Weather permitting, I'll usually be the one on the black Marin, zipping through traffic, flipping off kids in crossings zones, and telling that bastard in the Escalade that I'm actually allowed on the streets when I skip the red-light that he has to stop at. However, due to the geographic location, it's rather sad to admit that my bike travels will be somewhat infrequent and sparse, at least till the summer months officially hit. Till then, provided the weather is above 35 I'll be on my bike, once again probably late for work at THAT PLACE.

Just a few updates, nothing major or really new. Continue forward, towards the usual, debt, freedom and liver damage