My current state of living could be equated to a coma patient. It's currently in debate as to whether or not I'm actually coherent of my surroundings, and at times I wonder of how much I actually want to be. This current post industrial nightmare of a town is honestly only bearable, due in part to, three months of some of the most glorious and beautiful weather, and a super market that is by far a better time than just wasting your time at the mall. Yes, the malls are just that horrid that I'd rather peruse the fresh vegetables rather than have to bear witness to another hour at a JC Penny's sales rack.
This all came about with the sudden realization that things in my life are slowly coming to a close. This old rather barren and seemingly distracted existence is slowly coming to a close, and personally I'm not quite sure how I feel about it yet. Of course I welcome change, and the prospects that come with it. But, recently, I'm ashamed to say, I've found that my bravery and drive for the unknown has become extremely muddled. So far in fact that recently the most bold and daring thing I did was cut my hair shorter. Don't get me wrong on that however, the cut was amazing.
When we grow up, we're told that after college a world of exciting and fabulous times await. From what I've seen however, all that I've gotten is a rather steadily increasing amount of debt, low self image, and the desire to do nothing more than sleep at least two hours after I set my alarm for. That which I always thought would be has been, shall we say short lived.
Last night I had a dream that I was on a train to the city. I had sold all my possessions, had money, clothes, my computer and this idea that I wouldn't need anymore than that. Problem I find with this, was the sudden realization that when I woke up, I actually had pulled out my suitcase and started packing. With the amtrak site still pulled up on my computer. Subconsciously I know what I want. But realistically and fiscally I know I can't. I pine for the times as children, when we wanted something, we just did it.